SUICIDE STORY

SUICIDE STORY

It was my first time in the International School Ibadan (ISI). I went in the company of the Ibadan Vasity Christian Union Postgraduate Fellowship (IVCU-PGF) as a visiting senior friend. These young ones were excited to see us and as part of their agenda, they had series of questions to ask. I heard different funny questions but two questions forced me to tell one of my life’s story. The one question centred on music and the other on suicide. This is the fuller version of the story.

My first attempt at suicide was a failed one. I wanted to prove to my friends that I was a tough guy so I took a knife to slit my throat. After considering how I would have to push through skin from left to right continuously until my neck was severed, I had a rethink. That was way back in primary school.

My second and last attempt was in my first year in the university. I had spent a greater part of that semester, cooking. My books didn’t get so much attention but I knew I could still pull through. That was the singular reason that gave me the shocks when I saw my CHE 111 result. I had made an “E”. An “E” in Chemistry was even worse than an “F”. it meant that i couldn’t re-sit the exam yet the grade wasn’t going to help me rise in any considerable measure. To worsen the situation, my dad read Chemistry during his days so he was a guru on the subject. He had a library full of books ranging from quantum chemistry to analytical chemistry, from qualitative to quantitative chemistry, from organic to inorganic. Every section was well endowed in that small library which occupied a room.

How on earth was I to return home and tell them that I had failed Chemistry in my first semester? You see I left the polytechnic a hero, right in the middle of my first year to gain admission into the university. I wasn’t coming as a newbie, I knew my stuff and here I was with nothing to prove what I knew. I was really depressed and I sought to end it the way I thought best. If I died, atleast my parents would feel it, they will know I couldn’t stand the shame of being called a failure. I saw it as a brave move.

It was dark when I picked up my Walkman and left the Sheraton hostel (As it was called back then). I was on the ground floor so I didn’t have to meet many people on my way out. I took one of my tapes and slotted it in. it was my most boring tape. I had a collection of Christian artists and Don Moen was my favorite. I had recently bought the album – I WILL SING- and it was the most boring song I had heard him sing. It was so annoying that I felt bad spending my money on such sleepy lyrics. This tape was to be my motivating piece as I walked in that darkness to my death.

As I played back the song, I heard words like…Lord you seem so far away//a million miles or so it feels today//and though I haven’t lost my faith, I must confess right now, it’s hard for me to pray//…But as you give the grace, with all that’s in my heart//I will sing, I will praise//Even in my darkest night//Through the sorrow and the pain//I will sing, I will praise//Lift my hands to honour You//Because Your word is true//I will sing…

Those words hit me like comets from space. Don Moen also hard dark nights? He also found it hard to pray? Really? And then he decided to sing and praise through his pain and honour God because His word is true? This wasn’t the first time I had listened to this song but this was the first time I truly made sense of the lyrics. It’s no surprise that my attempt at suicide that night was foiled. I am someone who is really determined and I hardly back down when I undertake a worthy course. I like to keep to my word even to my detriment. The suicide was a move to spite my face by cutting my nose. I failed again.

Years later when I look back at how determined I was to die that night, I smile and wonder what had come over me then. How could I have thought suicide as the best option? I was indeed foolish then but only a wiser me now could have detected a foolish me then.

The students had asked if there was anything wrong in listening to songs that do not contain Christian lyrics and yet are not bad lyrics. I had responded by asking what sense it would have made if I was on my suicide plot and was listening to such songs instead of the one I had that night? They got the message.

My salvation that night was not necessarily from the song per say, it was the God in the song! Since then I have been particular about what I listen to. If the lyrics can’t help me now, it can’t help me in my darkest night. I have learnt to store up strength for the weak days ahead.

Years later, In the same school, I returned from home one day to hear of a student who had committed suicide by hanging. He hung from the tree at the back of the hostel. I felt the pinch that it could have been me before now and it was also clear the kind of songs he had been listening to…definitely if there was a song then there was no God in the song!

2Tim3:16-17 Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us (MSG)

John 6:63 Life is spiritual. Your physical existence doesn’t contribute to that life. The words that I have spoken to you are spiritual. They are life. (God’s Word Translation)